The Summer Seaside Holiday Olympics

Steve Fisher 3. srpna 2012 • 06:00

Hello and welcome to our coverage of one of the most exciting sporting events of the year: the annual Summer Seaside Holiday Olympics (SSHO).  I'm your host, Skip Martin, and I'll be bringing you all the action from this year's SSHO, which as always is taking place in a range of locations along the Mediterranean and Adriatic seas.

Before we begin our live reporting, let's look at some taped coverage from one of the events which took place earlier this morning. Our correspondent Jim Fernandez reports.

Thanks, Skip. This was the scene this morning at 4;30 a.m. here at the Coralia Club Hotel in Sousse, Tunisia, as we awaited the start of today's "Poolside Chair Reservation Towel-Laying Race."

This is certainly one of the most challenging events of the entire SSHO, during which competitors rise as early as humanly possible in order to claim lounge chairs at the swimming pool by laying their towels across them.  

With their discipline and their instinct for territorial occupation, the Germans are unquestionably the favorites in this year's event. But, so far this morning no one has…wait…yes, here comes out first competitor, already at 4:31 a.m. Amazing! And indeed it is a member of the German team. They truly are unstoppable. Just look at how many towels he has under his arm! Why, there must be at least six!

And there he goes, dragging several chairs together, even moving some of the umbrellas. Five…six…seven. My God, it looks as if he might be trying to break the record of occupying 12 chairs before sunrise, which was set at this very same hotel by a team from Heidelberg in 2007. Eight…nine…ten. Oh, no, that's all for him. Still, a very impressive performance by the Germans here in Tunisia this morning. Back to you in the studio, Skip.

Thanks, Jim. Now let's go to Ed Miller, reporting live from the Greek island of Mykonos. Ed, what event are you watching at the moment?

Skip, I'm here in the restaurant of the Poseidon Hotel, where the "Half-Pension Discrete Breakfast Packing" event is already underway. As fans of this sport know, the goal here is for those guests with only a half-pension to avoid having to buy lunch by discretely taking food from the hotel's breakfast buffet and slipping it into their bags, purses and pockets.

In this case, it's the Czechs who are the unrivalled powerhouses in this event. Why, just by looking at the size of the bags they've brought with them into the restaurant you can see that they won't be satisfied with taking the silver…especially in this case, because those forks and knives are really just aluminum, ha, ha.

Pay close attention to their technique, Jim. I'm sure you remember their team captain's skilled performance with that pen at the signing ceremony in Chile last year. I guarantee you're going to see a lot of that same deft under-the-table technique here today,  as the Czech team quickly moves rolls, slices of ham, cheese, tins of paté, packets of butter, even entire loaves of bread into their…

Ed, this is Skip. I'm sorry, but we're going to have to cut away and go over to Poreč, Croatia, where Julian Chambers is reporting live. Are you there, Julian?

Yes, Skip, I am here, covering what is surely one of the most popular events among spectators: the "Stone Beach Barefoot Walking Endurance Competition." Participation in this event is restricted to first-time visitors to Croatia, because of course they're the only ones foolish enough to come here without beach sandals.

This year, the crowd has just been loving the performance of the English and Irish competitors, with their grit, their determination and their charmingly accented exclamations of "Christ!", "Damn!" and "Bloody hell!" as they try to make it all the way from their blankets across the beach to the water.

There goes one of the English team now. He's taking his first step. Yow! Look at him grimacing! He's taking another, then another. Ow! Oh, that's gotta hurt, right, Skip?

Yes, indeed, Julian, and speaking of hurting, I'm afraid we have an injury to report from Corfu. One of the French competitors in the "Ceiling Insect Swatting" event there apparently fell while bouncing on his hotel bed trying to kill a large dragonfly with a rolled-up copy of Le Monde.  However, we understand he's okay. So let's now go quickly over to Jennifer Mosley in Ancona, Italy.

Thanks, Skip. Two major events are taking place here at poolside. The first is the "Men's Inconspicuous Ogling" competition, in which married men try to look at beautiful young women in bikinis while keeping their heads pointed in a different direction so as not to arouse the jealousy of their wives. A very tricky and quite dangerous sport indeed, as you can imagine.

The second big, and I mean really big event is the "Gut-Sucking Marathon," in which mostly male competitors – although more and more women are starting to qualify for this sport – try to hold in their pot bellies for as long as possible when passing attractive members of the opposite sex. You've got to admire their efforts, especially the Americans. Right, Skip?

Absolutely, Jennifer. We'll be looking forward to all that. But right now we have to take a commercial break. Later, we'll take you live to Valencia Airport in Manises, Spain, where passengers disembarking from a flight will be competing in the wild and furious "Luggage Trolley Grabbing" competition. And of course there's much more to come, so stay tuned!

Klíčová slova: rxrx, stevefisher, Holiday Olympics

Diskuse ke článku