If you're a married man, you are surely aware that there is a particular time each month when it's wise to take certain precautions in dealing with your wife. These include, for example, showing her some extra attention, trying especially hard not to provoke her, and making sure to remove the ammunition from any firearms that you have lying around at home.
Of course, these emotionally tempestuous female "interludes" are only temporary. The most critical time of the month is the week when your wife is menstruating, in addition to the week immediately prior to her menstruation, as well as the week after it. Otherwise, it's generally smooth sailing.
The fact is that women's moods are cyclical. They constantly go around and around and around. Imagine, if you will, a circular power saw whirring at 4,000 RPM, the jagged teeth of its sharp steel blade ripping through a piece of wood. Now, imagine yourself as the wood. The effect is similar.
That's why the wearing of safety glasses is always recommended whenever you are standing near a woman who is, so to speak, "switched on." You can remove your glasses when she is "switched off" – for example, at night – however you may wish to consider wearing protective headgear to bed if you are prone to snoring.
Keeping track of your wife's moods can be a challenge. Fortunately, scientists have recently identified seven specific days of the month when a woman is most likely to be irritable. If you're a husband, by all means take a red pen and draw a circle around these days on your calendar. They are, in chronological order: Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.
If you don't have a calendar, you can simply place your wife against a wall and draw a red circle around her head, but this is not recommended, even if you are wearing safety glasses. Instead, consider purchasing a red necklace for your wife and telling her she looks great in it. When she asks about the small bell attached to it, tell her it's a sentimental reminder of the church bells on your wedding day.
Now, let's take a look at those seven particularly dangerous days in detail.
1. Mondays. Given its negative reputation, you might think that this would be the most difficult day of the week, but you would be wrong. It actually gets much worse later on. At least on Mondays your wife is finally free of you and the children after the weekend. She either has the entire home to herself, or, if she's employed, can return to her workplace with its relative calm compared to the insane chaos of family life. Thus, she will probably be relatively harmless, unless her mother calls her. Then, watch out.
2. Tuesdays. Now, the danger begins to mount. Have you seen "The Bourne Legacy"? Do you remember its frantic camerawork and its soundtrack with that pounding music – DA DUM DA DUM DA DUM DA DUM – that made your heart feel as if it was going to explode? This is basically what is going through your wife's brain as she tries to figure out what in the hell she's going to make for dinner.
3. Wednesdays. Okay, don't even think about Wednesdays. Just put on your safety glasses and lock yourself in the bedroom. Or, better still, go to the pub and wait for Thursday.
4. Thursdays. The danger of Thursdays is that your wife is already beginning to think about what you and she are going to do on the weekend. She does this in the knowledge that you, as a typical male, will probably not be thinking about this until sometime during the weekend, if then. In preparation for the upcoming discussion, stand in front of a mirror and practice nodding and saying, "Yes, good idea."
5. Fridays. This is perhaps the most dangerous day of the week. Fridays are when your wife is able to see men on the street carrying bouquets of flowers for their dates with women to whom they are not yet married. For this reason, try to keep your wife inside all day, if necessary by telling one of your children in the morning that he/she looks too sick to go to school. And, as a responsible parent, advise your "sick" child to wears his/her safety glasses at all times during the day.
6. Saturdays. Saturdays are definitely less dangerous and more relaxing than Fridays. They are therefore an ideal time for sweeping up the shards of broken dishes and glasses that resulted from your failure to think of anything "special" to do with your wife during the weekend.
7. Sundays. If you've managed to survive until Sunday without serious injury, then congratulations are definitely in order, unless it's simply because you have been in the pub ever since Wednesday, in which case, shame on you, you coward…and please pass the ash tray.
One final piece of advice. If you are reading this article on the Internet, under no circumstances should you "like" it, share it on Facebook, or e-mail it to anyone! If you are reading it in the magazine in the presence of your wife and she asks you what is so fucking funny, tell her it's that hilarious Zelený Raoul, then rip out this page and destroy it.
And go buy that red necklace. Seriously.
